There is still a fat girl trapped inside of me. Sometimes I think there always will be. But I'm working on loving myself more!
I was skinny as a child. I remember my mother recounting stories of her safety pinning me into my skirts as they would fall down as I walked. I began to gain some puppy fat around puberty and my penchant for sweet treats and sugary snacks was my greatest downfall. We weren't allowed fizzy drinks or chocolate in the house and looking back now my mother was so forward thinking in ensuring we got the best food and nutrition.
From L-R: with my sister Kate, Cousin Laura, Myself and Cousin Anthony
However, I have memories of her heading out to the shop and me climbing up on the counter top to reach the few treats at the back of the cupboard that were kept for guests, the 'Good Biscuits'. I would scoff them quickly and indulgently, not knowing when to stop, always thinking when will I get my next treat? I better eat as much as I can now before my mum comes home and catches me!
I continued to gain weight through school and adolescence. To be honest I didn't notice it. It suddenly became an issue as soon as boys were introduced into the equation! I was the fat girl amongst my slim group of friends. Looking back I had plenty of attention from boys and I actually wasn't that big but I was bigger than them and that made me feel huge. It then became a deep rooted seed, lodged in my brain growing roots, trunk and leaves. It was part of me. It became a factor in almost all my decisions. I would try and dress like my friends and suck in my belly or just push guys away so they wouldn't get close and I wouldn't have to show them the real me.
With my Dad
I will never forget the moment I realised I was in control of my feelings and my weight. I was slovenly laying on the couch, watching MTV. I saw all these bikini clad girls dancing and bouncing around a Rapper. I just suddenly thought to myself 'I don't want to be fat any more, I am going to lose weight'! Just like that! I felt so empowered.
I began by making small and consistent changes. Maybe one a week/month. Things like cutting out biscuits, chocolate, snacks, eating more vegetables etc. Once I had made a change and stuck to it for a few days it soon became a habit and just part of my routine. It wasn't a chore any more. Slow and steady wins the race as they say. I started eating better and exercising more. I felt amazing. I loved the rush of adrenaline from exercise and was rewarded by seeing my weight drop. I also enjoyed being in control. Being the one who decided how I felt and how I looked. All it takes is slow and consistent changes. Dramatic weight losses never stick and they are unhealthy.
Sometimes I lost weight the healthy way, other times not so healthy but all the time I was learning. I was initially focused on how I looked. How my body appeared and the shape and tone of it. Pure vanity. I thought being thin would solve all my problems, make all my troubles go away. But guess what? Thin people have problems too.
My mum and I on our respective Graduation Days from UCC
I slowly began shifting my focus to just trying to being healthy. Looking after my body, my vessel, and ensuring it worked to its optimum potential. It became about performance and function rather than aesthetics.
Now my motivation is to feel strong and healthy. Yes, we all want to look good but this comes as a bonus side effect! I am striving for a body that serves me. A body that allows me to do practically any physical activity without pain and with ease. A body that enhances my overall life. A body that doesn't hurt in the morning or become a hindering factor in making decisions. A body that makes me feel good!
On my journey to health and weight loss I learned so much about myself and still am. I am learning every day. I hope I never stop learning. And this is why I'm glad I used to be fat! Because without that as my motivation I might not be as healthy as I am today. And that is why I started this blog. To help and encourage other people to look at their lifestyle and see if they need or want to make some changes. I encourage you to do lots of research, test and trial things yourself. You have a wealth of information at your finger tips. Knowledge becomes wisdom when shared.
Myself and my mum on my Christening Day
I still have a lot to work on. No one is perfect. But I am content where I am right now. I am fortune to have been raised by a kind and caring mother who from a young age instilled kindness, compassion, empathy and love in me. She always encouraged me to read more, learn more and ask questions. She gave me the tools and inspiration to go on this journey of self discovery and for that I am forever grateful.
On today, her birthday, she would have been 58 years old and so I dedicate this post to her. My inspiration.
Ann Noonan 1956-2008 R.I.P
"Men that had seen her,
Drank deep and were silent,
The women were speaking,
Wherever she went -
As a bell that is rung,
Or a wonder told shyly,
And O she was the Sunday,
In every week."
The Planter's Daughter by Austin Clarke
